singletwinmom

My sister sent the most adorable robes for the boys. She made them…in one afternoon and they are absolutely precious! I can barely sew a straight line and she can whip out clothes…complete outfits in an afternoon. I guess we each have our talents, though sometimes I think mine were given to someone else by mistake.
Anyway, so these little robes have hoods and they kind of look like the robes boxers wear when they enter the ring. Too sweet…i tried to take pictures of the boys in them this afternoon, just modeling but they wouldn’t be still long enough for me to get any good shots. It was a rough afternoon here and both boys fell, at different times and different places in the house, and got little marks on their faces. So, my beautiful little guys REALLY look like boxers…leaving the ring with their beaten up little faces. What a fitting day for them to get their new robes, huh?

After a good day and a good dinner…of course at my brother’s house with his family…I thought I would make something sweet to eat. Rice Krispie treats are always a good idea…consistantly yummy, easy to make and clean up after. How could I go wrong? Well…
There is obviously a difference between melting the marshmallows on the stove and melting them in the microwave. Something tastes different. They aren’t as…buttery sweet as they usually are. It’s just not the same. Did I build them up too much in my mind? Am I remembering them as better than they were? Or did I screw up by trying to cut corners and melt the marshmallows in the microwave? Is there some chemical reaction I skipped over by not melting them on the stove?
Let this be a lesson to all of us…some times you can cut corners and some times you just can’t!!

I met with my attorney today…there is no reasonable explanation why my divorce is not final. I filed the paperwork back in April 2008, we have no assets to dispute, we’ve agreed upon our debt. Today we went over baby daddy’s attorney’s “write up” of the agreement.
I realize I am just a lay person…the wording used in legal documents is above my understanding…but it is amazing to me how creative those people are. Truly! In one paragraph it states that my children cannot be taken out of the state until they are age 3. And in another paragraph it states that baby daddy can take them out of the state for 2 weeks before their 3rd birthday.
Not wanting the boys to be taken out of state by their own father may seem a bit extreme, but believe me it’s not. It is a COMPLETELY reasonable statement when you take into account the fact that their father has NEVER spent a night alone with both boys. Since our separation, he’s never even asked to keep the boys over night. He kept one of the twins for 3 straight nights while the other twin was in the hospital…I stayed with the twin in the hospital. And, baby daddy stayed 1 night in the hospital with the hospitalized twin, by himself. Other than that, the man has NEVER spent more than 4 (and I’m being GENEROUS) hours alone with both boys. So, requesting that he not be allowed to take them far away from home is completely within reason.
My question to those of you with legal minds is…was I not supposed to catch the second paragraph where he’s allowed to take them out of the state? I’m not sure what to make of it.
And, it’s not like I’m saying he can NEVER take them far away. They cannot communicate well enough to tell me anything about their trip. I’m not suggesting they “spy” on him. If something were to happen, something bad, how would they let me know? He’s not familiar enough with them to understand what words they do speak, how is he supposed to meet their needs?
People keep telling me that he won’t really go through with all his allowed visitation. He’ll get so distracted with his new life and new kids that he will eventually forget about us. I don’t want to deprive my boys of any “meaningful” relationship with him, but I also don’t want him to use them to make himself feel better about his choice.
Just when you think everything is going your way…the Phantom of your life once lived returns.

Where does my obligation to baby daddy end? I am aware that if the boys need medical attention I should notify him…but what about when they learn a new word? or learn how to do count? or learn their first color? Am I obligated to notify their father when they do something wonderful?
Part of me, the not so bitter/angry part that doesn’t think back on the past year spent on my own with my boys, thinks it would be nice to let him know when they do something for the first time. They’re working very hard to learn how to ride their trikes…even though they haven’t mastered it yet, they keep trying. Do I have to send him a text when they succeed?
Why should he be allowed to enjoy the wonder that the boys are? Why should he be made aware of their accomplishments? If he wanted to know…wouldn’t he be asking? or better yet, wouldn’t he be here to witness it?
I know he did the best thing for ALL involved when he left. I am over the pain of being left, now…I am stuck in the disbelief that someone could walk away from two wonderful, amazing, precious little boys for ANY reason.
I would not leave the boys for anything in the world. At least not without the fight of my life. I even told their father once that I never want to be in love…because if love makes you walk away from your children I don’t ever want any part of it. And that is precisely what he did. Whether he wants to admit it or not. It’s a fact. He left them here…for me to raise. And, I accept that and I thank him for that. But, I do not believe I am obligated to let him in on the joys of that!!
If they need medical attention, I will let him know. When they pretend to talk on the phone, or put words together to make sentences, or help me by bringing their dishes from the table…well, those I’m keeping just for me!

The unseasonbly warm weather has sent me into premature spring cleaning mode. When spring rolls around I always feel an urge to purge through old clothes and books and magazines. To somehow start anew and fresh. With all the sunshine and warm temperatures, my mind has been dooped into thinking it’s time to clean things out.
I guess it could be worse, I could never get the urge to go through things and then they would just pile up and up. I do have tons of things to go through and get rid of and reorganize, so the sunshine has jump started the process. Hopefully, the winter won’t come along now and send my cleaning spirit back in to hibernation…I’ve started some big projects and need to get through them before I lose my steam.
I’m most looking forward to working in the yard, doing a little landscaping and gardening. But, first things first. That will be the carrot on the stick for me…if I finish the guest room, I can work in the yard.
Crazy, the games you have to play with your own mind to get things done…

It’s funny how people say, “it will work out,” in EVERY situation. When you’re in the middle of a horrible break up, the last thing you want to hear is how, “it will all work out,” but most likely, you’ll hear it more than once. It’s funny, but it’s the truth. Somehow, someway it does all work out. A year ago I was faced with losing the longest relationship of my entire life, romantic relationship that is, and I was devestated. Not sure what to do, where to turn, I remember the burning feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt like a 15 year old girl that had been dumped. It was horrible and I honestly did not believe the feeling would ever pass. I was sure I would be unhappy until the day I died.
And yet, here I am…as happy and content as I ever remember being. The boys and I have as close to a stressfree life as possible. Sure, money is tight…sure, I get concerned about our future, their future sometimes…but all in all, we are exactly, completely happy. They will never know the stress of the last year, the constant worry about how it would all work out. It has worked out, just as promised. Even though I know there will be bumps here and there, in our road, we will always have each other. The 3 Musketeers…they may never understand how much they mean to me. And honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever try to explain to them how they were my rocks during the past year. That’s a lot to lay on the shoulders of two precious little ones, but it’s true. They have been my CONSTANT over the past year.

So, the next time someone tells you, “it will all work out,” keep in mind…most likely, it will.

Today was absolutely spectacular! I woke up without the throbbing headache that’s become the norm…sinus issues are evidently going to be part of my life here in west Texas. It’s okay, I’m learning what works and what doesn’t so it’s, “no hill for a stepper,” as my father would put it. It was refreshing to wake up without the dull headache, though. Just a little stuffy, nothing some medicine can’t cure.
Off to work, easy job. Time actually flew by! Before I realized it we were getting back in the van on our way home. We had a nice little lunch, some play time, and the boys went down for a nap. No muss, no fuss…everything just clicked! I made some phone calls, did some laundry, some dishes…what a day. The boys woke up happy…had a snack and we went in to the back yard to play.
Granted, the back yard is a mess just now…what with two big labs running around and no moisture to speak of for months now. The grass is a terrible mess, but we had a blast. The boys were swinging on the swing set their grandfather built them last year. Loving every minute of it. I tried to rake up some of the yuck while they ran and jumped and threw the ball for the dogs. We even got the trikes out their father bought them and they played on them. The trikes are a little big, but they enjoyed sitting on them even without being able to move them anywhere. We spent a good two hours just playing in the back yard. It’s almost the last week of January and we were outside without being so bundled up we couldn’t move. It was great!!
We went straight to the bathtub and got cleaned up and then had a nice little dinner. I love the way we are as a family. The boys are so easy…it makes me so grateful! I know I’m blessed to have such wonderful children! I know I have more than most…at least as far as love goes. It truly is the little things that make life worth living. Playing outside in the middle of January with two little boys is the most spectacular fun ever!!!

The boys and I “crashed” a local groups’ playdate today. We were invited by a member, via the internet…so no one knew what we looked like and we didn’t know them either. I was glad of the fact that we didn’t really know anyone so we could slip in and out without being noticed. I know the boys need some socialization…as do I, but I wanted to make sure it was a good “fit” before we committed to a group. I don’t know if you have to pay dues to these groups, or if you have to sign some papers, or what exactly joining entails, but I didn’t want to say “yes” without knowing we were all going to be happy with it.
We arrived early, so as to not stick out as the “inconsiderate newcomers,” and I made a point to position us near the other mothers…didn’t want to seem completely unsocial, just in case we dug the whole experience. No one said anything…not “Hi, “not “Hey get out of here,” nothing. The boys ran and played…looking up from where ever they were on occassion to make sure I was still there. The mothers’ just sat in the seats and watched the children run around…every once in a while the mother that seemed to be in charge would police the slide area, but other than that, the children were left to their own devices.
One cute little blonde girl kept pushing at one of my boys…the other mothers thought it was cute…giggling at the way the little girl seemed to be bossing my son around. I, however, found it annoying. I have to try to raise these little boys to respect women…to treat them well and value them as individuals, and here this little 2 foot tall female is steering my little man around like he’s her toy. No thank you. Not too long after Ms Busy-Body started pushing my son around his brother came over and crawled into the stroller, as if to say, “that’s enough of that.”
It was just TOO overstimulating…25 to 30 children running around with little or no organization…it was more than we could handle. I’m glad no one spoke to us or invited us back. That must have been the group for younger stay-at-home moms. We need to keep looking until we find a group for middle-aged, single mother’s of non-bossy girls or just boys. Better yet, we’ll socialize with one or two or maybe even five other children and their parents at once. It was just too much for us to be comfortable with.

The boys and I went to my brother’s house for dinner. His wife is an absolutely wonderful cook and they are gracious enough to invited us over (3 houses down) often. It’s not always easy for me to make a complete meal for just the 3 of us. I’m an extremely picky eater and the boys can only put away so much food, so…it’s definently my weakness as a mother. The whole, “balanced meal” idea does not always prevail here. I try but need to work on it. Anyway, thankfully my sister-in-law is a whiz at cooking, baking, you name it, she’s the one to go to!
We had a fantastic dinner and then somehow all ended up in my 15 year old nephew’s room. The whole family. The boys played and played with their big cousins and uncle and aunt. Ball, hide-n-seek, tumbling, and senseless running around. It was a blast. Of course, they cried when we had to leave and cried again when they had to get out of the bathtub and half-way through their bedtime story they were fast asleep.
I can’t remember a time when I was having so much fun doing something that I actually cried when I had to stop. How wonderful it must be to have your pleasures be so simple. To laugh just looking at your brother. When hiding under a blanket was enough to entertain you for a good fifteen minutes. When did life change? When do we start needing something electronic to keep us busy? or something constantly happening to keep us happy? Why can’t life always be simple and our joys come from something as inexpensive as blowing bubbles?
Childhood is a great mystery to me. One minute the boys will be fixated on one toy and the next they’re completely mezmerized by their own hand. It must be great to be able to find joy in something as simple as your own hand. We could really learn a lot from little boys. Jumping and running and tumbling around are all the excitement they need to be completely content. Thankfully, we do get to share in their fun, though.

They are truly a blessing…from sun up to sun down. Seeing the world through their eyes gives it a nice rosy glow!

My evening ended differently that I’d anticipated. I’ve really been looking forward to seeing the movie, The Savages. Thought it was going to be a comedy with a slight dose of sad reality about aging parents…Not so much. I’m not saying I didn’t like it, it just was not at all what I had expected.
It made me wonder what my boys lives will be like in the future. Will the fact that I’ve ended my marriage haunt them forever? Will they grow up to be happy, productive members of society? Or will I have caused them some horrible damage by having raised them as a single mother? Will the suffer wilth relationship issues since they don’t see the example of a healthy one at home?
Maybe I’m realizing I’ve made a mistake by making a choice for my children without their consent…maybe I’m second-guessing the choice I made…maybe, I’m sleepy and the medication that is supposed to be treating my sinus infection has caused me to be a babbling idiot.
I choose “C.”
My boys will be fine. They won’t have any more issues than any other child…be they from divorced parents or not. I’ve chosen to raise them in an environment of love rather than the chaos and turmoil that surrounded us for the first year of their lives…the last year their father and I were together. Though we are still married we’ve been apart for almost a year. Ten wonderful, peaceful, serene months!! Childhood, adolescence, and adulthood all come with their own set of troubles. There is no manual for parenthood or even one for life. We just have to pray, and hope, and do the best we can with what we have.
No more Philip Seymour Hoffman movies until my sinus infection is cured!