singletwinmom

Why is it that bad habits are so easy to make and so hard to break and good habits are so hard to make and so easy to break? They say if you do something twenty-some-odd times in a row it becomes a habit and you can do it without really having to think about it or having to make yourself do it. If that is a fact for the average person…I am not average!

I have been trying to read through the bible. Seems like a constructive thing to do. I’ve never read all the way through it and I would like to…so I’ve been doing well, reading every night. There is a little booklet I am using as a guide…so I’m not left to my own devices. Trying to figure out how much to read at a time. It’s all spelled out, all broken down…day by day. And then last night, I went to bed really tired and didn’t do my reading. Now, tonight, I find myself staying up later than normal…am I subconsiously trying to wear myself out so I will be so tired when I get to bed that I won’t do my reading?

If I decide to eat three cookies every night before I go to bed, on the second night I would be doing it without thought. But, if I decide to work out every morning I have to make myself even on the first day, and by the third day I’ve given up and started eating the cookies.

So, why are the bad habits so easy to make and hard to break…and the good ones so hard to make and easy to break?

I’ve had a tough week…not sure why, but it’s been a tough one. Maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s the realization that I’m a 40 year old, single mother with no real prospects in my future. I don’t mean MALE prospects, I mean job…career prospects. Most of the time cleaning houses is therapeutic for me. Truly, it gives me time to think and be productive…you don’t need a lot of concentration to scrub a tub. So, it helps me clear my head…most of the time.

Sometimes, it’s just overwhelmingly humbling. That was my week. OVERWHELMINGLY HUMBLING! I couldn’t help but wonder…what was the difference between these people and me? At what point did their lives lead them in the direction of, ‘having enough money to have a housekeeper,’ and my life lead me in the direction of ‘needing money badly enough to become a housekeeper’?

I don’t mean to complain, I’m glad to have work. I’m glad there are people out there that will welcome me into their homes and trust me enough to clean them…without standing over me. I appreciate that I can bring my children with me and be with them while I earn money. I don’t mean to be ungrateful, I’m just curious. How did these people arrive at their situation and how did my journey take such a different course?

You may be thinking the obvious, “get your education,” and you may be surprised to know I have one…at least, part of one. I have an undergraduate degree. It’s not the education that makes the difference. What is the deciding factor if it’s not that?

Personal drive? Self confidence? Shear luck? What leads one person to have…money and one person to be in constant need of it? It’s a real mystery to me…I would like the answer so I can share it with my boys. I don’t believe having money makes you happy…but I would argue that it gives you one less thing to worry about. I’m sure people with money would say that they have more worries, or maybe they just worry about different things.

Anyhoo, I want to get to the bottom of this before my boys get older. I want to teach them to be good with money. It is in my Genes (pun intended) to be good with money, but I am not.

Tonight I went to see “The Reader.” I heard some wonderful reviews of the film and thought it sounded worthwhile. So, tonight I went to see it. I won’t give the plot away, but it was very much the story of a young man’s first experience with love. It was very sweet, and very steamy. But, it made me wonder about the power of the “FIRST LOVE.”

I was left for baby daddy’s first love. So, I have first hand experience with the awesome power of it. It astounds me to think of what people will do for their first love. I can see where it is a powerful feeling…you are young (I would say that’s probably the case more often than not) and you have never really experienced the incredible pain that comes from having your heart broken, so you love with reckless abandon. You love, the first time, with your whole heart, your whole mind, your whole, entire everything. Because you don’t realize that love can and most likely will end at some point. So, no wonder first love is so all-consuming. No wonder it can have such an impact on shaping who you become as a person.

But, then I was left to wonder…have I had my first love? I’ve never been so consumed by a relationship that I couldn’t see my way to the next one. I’ve never pined away for one person so much that I would risk life or limb for them. I had what I thought was my own version of first love, but I can’t say that I would give anything up to have it again. Nor can I say that any other relationship I have ever had was at all altered by my first love. So, did I really have one?

If first love has the power to make you do extraordinary things…have I REALLY had one?

I’m really trying to budget and plan…mostly out of neccesity now. I’m pretty much on a fixed income…so I am watching my money as closely as I ever have. That’s why it’s so irritating to me when some surprise charge shows up. Something COMPLETEY unexpected happens and BAM! all my budgetting and planning are for not!

I’m trying VERY hard to save for something by the end of this month. Not a self-imposed deadline, one set by someone else, but I thought it was completely within reason…I put my checks in the bank…haven’t had any Starbucks (my WEAKNESS) or Sonic (my guilty pleasure)…I’m really trying to meet this deadline. Checking my balances daily to make sure I’m on the right track and without any warning…there’s a charge, from the satellite company on “the” account I’m trying to bulk up. I honestly do not know if this is a monthly thing (I’m really JUST starting to budget) but I suspect it is. And, with this charge I am overdrawn. Now, there’s another $30 I can set a match to. I even called the bank and asked if there was any way I could avoid the NSF fee…only if I jump through a burning ring of fire, before 7am tomorrow morning and call the all powerful checking account keeper with a signed statement from my Congressman…So, I’m not even back at square one on my “saving” for this deadline…I’m -$30. Where is the justice?

I think I’ve done well adapting as a single parent over the last year. Baby daddy never really took an active roll in parenting, by that I mean he didn’t bathe the boys or feed the boys. His idea of spending time with the boys was napping in the same room they were in. But, this is not actually a baby daddy bashing blog today. As I was saying, I think I’ve adapted pretty well. I can handle most of the boys needs without a second thought…dirty diaper = change, hungry boys = food, crying boys = snuggle…while it’s by no means easy, you can kind of get the feel for it and go on instinct. At least when they’re 2. I’m sure it will change drastically before too long. There have certainly been times when I’ve called a trusted mom and asked, “what do I do about this or that,” but day to day I have it under control.

But, today…for the first time in a LONG time I physically missed baby daddy. Not because I wanted a hug or anything odd like that, I cut my finger and to spite his many, many, many faults…the man is good under pressure. It wasn’t a bad cut, but I did break out in a cold sweat and have to put my head between my knees. I just wanted someone to understand that I had hurt myself and help me. The boys are too small, or I’m sure they would have tried to help. I do okay when other people get hurt. I don’t feel faint at the sight of other’s blood, but for some reason when it’s my own I get really light headed. I no longer donate blood because I pass out EVERY time, no matter what precautions we might take…the needle goes in, the blood starts flowing, and everything goes dark. So, I think I just wanted someone (heaven knows why he was the first to pop in to my head) to look at my finger and tell me I was ok.

Of course, I had to call my sister-in-law and tell her about it, but I guess I needed the reaction of someone seeing the cut…so I went to my brother’s work and showed him. Those poor people, they have 3 kids of their own, full time jobs, and me…there honorary foster-adult-chiild. My brother made the “Yuck” face I guess I was looking for and after that, my finger didn’t hurt so much.

Have I said how good it is to have family close by?