singletwinmom

Why is it that bad habits are so easy to make and so hard to break and good habits are so hard to make and so easy to break? They say if you do something twenty-some-odd times in a row it becomes a habit and you can do it without really having to think about it or having to make yourself do it. If that is a fact for the average person…I am not average!

I have been trying to read through the bible. Seems like a constructive thing to do. I’ve never read all the way through it and I would like to…so I’ve been doing well, reading every night. There is a little booklet I am using as a guide…so I’m not left to my own devices. Trying to figure out how much to read at a time. It’s all spelled out, all broken down…day by day. And then last night, I went to bed really tired and didn’t do my reading. Now, tonight, I find myself staying up later than normal…am I subconsiously trying to wear myself out so I will be so tired when I get to bed that I won’t do my reading?

If I decide to eat three cookies every night before I go to bed, on the second night I would be doing it without thought. But, if I decide to work out every morning I have to make myself even on the first day, and by the third day I’ve given up and started eating the cookies.

So, why are the bad habits so easy to make and hard to break…and the good ones so hard to make and easy to break?

I’ve had a tough week…not sure why, but it’s been a tough one. Maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s the realization that I’m a 40 year old, single mother with no real prospects in my future. I don’t mean MALE prospects, I mean job…career prospects. Most of the time cleaning houses is therapeutic for me. Truly, it gives me time to think and be productive…you don’t need a lot of concentration to scrub a tub. So, it helps me clear my head…most of the time.

Sometimes, it’s just overwhelmingly humbling. That was my week. OVERWHELMINGLY HUMBLING! I couldn’t help but wonder…what was the difference between these people and me? At what point did their lives lead them in the direction of, ‘having enough money to have a housekeeper,’ and my life lead me in the direction of ‘needing money badly enough to become a housekeeper’?

I don’t mean to complain, I’m glad to have work. I’m glad there are people out there that will welcome me into their homes and trust me enough to clean them…without standing over me. I appreciate that I can bring my children with me and be with them while I earn money. I don’t mean to be ungrateful, I’m just curious. How did these people arrive at their situation and how did my journey take such a different course?

You may be thinking the obvious, “get your education,” and you may be surprised to know I have one…at least, part of one. I have an undergraduate degree. It’s not the education that makes the difference. What is the deciding factor if it’s not that?

Personal drive? Self confidence? Shear luck? What leads one person to have…money and one person to be in constant need of it? It’s a real mystery to me…I would like the answer so I can share it with my boys. I don’t believe having money makes you happy…but I would argue that it gives you one less thing to worry about. I’m sure people with money would say that they have more worries, or maybe they just worry about different things.

Anyhoo, I want to get to the bottom of this before my boys get older. I want to teach them to be good with money. It is in my Genes (pun intended) to be good with money, but I am not.

Tonight I went to see “The Reader.” I heard some wonderful reviews of the film and thought it sounded worthwhile. So, tonight I went to see it. I won’t give the plot away, but it was very much the story of a young man’s first experience with love. It was very sweet, and very steamy. But, it made me wonder about the power of the “FIRST LOVE.”

I was left for baby daddy’s first love. So, I have first hand experience with the awesome power of it. It astounds me to think of what people will do for their first love. I can see where it is a powerful feeling…you are young (I would say that’s probably the case more often than not) and you have never really experienced the incredible pain that comes from having your heart broken, so you love with reckless abandon. You love, the first time, with your whole heart, your whole mind, your whole, entire everything. Because you don’t realize that love can and most likely will end at some point. So, no wonder first love is so all-consuming. No wonder it can have such an impact on shaping who you become as a person.

But, then I was left to wonder…have I had my first love? I’ve never been so consumed by a relationship that I couldn’t see my way to the next one. I’ve never pined away for one person so much that I would risk life or limb for them. I had what I thought was my own version of first love, but I can’t say that I would give anything up to have it again. Nor can I say that any other relationship I have ever had was at all altered by my first love. So, did I really have one?

If first love has the power to make you do extraordinary things…have I REALLY had one?

I think I’ve done well adapting as a single parent over the last year. Baby daddy never really took an active roll in parenting, by that I mean he didn’t bathe the boys or feed the boys. His idea of spending time with the boys was napping in the same room they were in. But, this is not actually a baby daddy bashing blog today. As I was saying, I think I’ve adapted pretty well. I can handle most of the boys needs without a second thought…dirty diaper = change, hungry boys = food, crying boys = snuggle…while it’s by no means easy, you can kind of get the feel for it and go on instinct. At least when they’re 2. I’m sure it will change drastically before too long. There have certainly been times when I’ve called a trusted mom and asked, “what do I do about this or that,” but day to day I have it under control.

But, today…for the first time in a LONG time I physically missed baby daddy. Not because I wanted a hug or anything odd like that, I cut my finger and to spite his many, many, many faults…the man is good under pressure. It wasn’t a bad cut, but I did break out in a cold sweat and have to put my head between my knees. I just wanted someone to understand that I had hurt myself and help me. The boys are too small, or I’m sure they would have tried to help. I do okay when other people get hurt. I don’t feel faint at the sight of other’s blood, but for some reason when it’s my own I get really light headed. I no longer donate blood because I pass out EVERY time, no matter what precautions we might take…the needle goes in, the blood starts flowing, and everything goes dark. So, I think I just wanted someone (heaven knows why he was the first to pop in to my head) to look at my finger and tell me I was ok.

Of course, I had to call my sister-in-law and tell her about it, but I guess I needed the reaction of someone seeing the cut…so I went to my brother’s work and showed him. Those poor people, they have 3 kids of their own, full time jobs, and me…there honorary foster-adult-chiild. My brother made the “Yuck” face I guess I was looking for and after that, my finger didn’t hurt so much.

Have I said how good it is to have family close by?

My sister sent the most adorable robes for the boys. She made them…in one afternoon and they are absolutely precious! I can barely sew a straight line and she can whip out clothes…complete outfits in an afternoon. I guess we each have our talents, though sometimes I think mine were given to someone else by mistake.
Anyway, so these little robes have hoods and they kind of look like the robes boxers wear when they enter the ring. Too sweet…i tried to take pictures of the boys in them this afternoon, just modeling but they wouldn’t be still long enough for me to get any good shots. It was a rough afternoon here and both boys fell, at different times and different places in the house, and got little marks on their faces. So, my beautiful little guys REALLY look like boxers…leaving the ring with their beaten up little faces. What a fitting day for them to get their new robes, huh?

I met with my attorney today…there is no reasonable explanation why my divorce is not final. I filed the paperwork back in April 2008, we have no assets to dispute, we’ve agreed upon our debt. Today we went over baby daddy’s attorney’s “write up” of the agreement.
I realize I am just a lay person…the wording used in legal documents is above my understanding…but it is amazing to me how creative those people are. Truly! In one paragraph it states that my children cannot be taken out of the state until they are age 3. And in another paragraph it states that baby daddy can take them out of the state for 2 weeks before their 3rd birthday.
Not wanting the boys to be taken out of state by their own father may seem a bit extreme, but believe me it’s not. It is a COMPLETELY reasonable statement when you take into account the fact that their father has NEVER spent a night alone with both boys. Since our separation, he’s never even asked to keep the boys over night. He kept one of the twins for 3 straight nights while the other twin was in the hospital…I stayed with the twin in the hospital. And, baby daddy stayed 1 night in the hospital with the hospitalized twin, by himself. Other than that, the man has NEVER spent more than 4 (and I’m being GENEROUS) hours alone with both boys. So, requesting that he not be allowed to take them far away from home is completely within reason.
My question to those of you with legal minds is…was I not supposed to catch the second paragraph where he’s allowed to take them out of the state? I’m not sure what to make of it.
And, it’s not like I’m saying he can NEVER take them far away. They cannot communicate well enough to tell me anything about their trip. I’m not suggesting they “spy” on him. If something were to happen, something bad, how would they let me know? He’s not familiar enough with them to understand what words they do speak, how is he supposed to meet their needs?
People keep telling me that he won’t really go through with all his allowed visitation. He’ll get so distracted with his new life and new kids that he will eventually forget about us. I don’t want to deprive my boys of any “meaningful” relationship with him, but I also don’t want him to use them to make himself feel better about his choice.
Just when you think everything is going your way…the Phantom of your life once lived returns.

Where does my obligation to baby daddy end? I am aware that if the boys need medical attention I should notify him…but what about when they learn a new word? or learn how to do count? or learn their first color? Am I obligated to notify their father when they do something wonderful?
Part of me, the not so bitter/angry part that doesn’t think back on the past year spent on my own with my boys, thinks it would be nice to let him know when they do something for the first time. They’re working very hard to learn how to ride their trikes…even though they haven’t mastered it yet, they keep trying. Do I have to send him a text when they succeed?
Why should he be allowed to enjoy the wonder that the boys are? Why should he be made aware of their accomplishments? If he wanted to know…wouldn’t he be asking? or better yet, wouldn’t he be here to witness it?
I know he did the best thing for ALL involved when he left. I am over the pain of being left, now…I am stuck in the disbelief that someone could walk away from two wonderful, amazing, precious little boys for ANY reason.
I would not leave the boys for anything in the world. At least not without the fight of my life. I even told their father once that I never want to be in love…because if love makes you walk away from your children I don’t ever want any part of it. And that is precisely what he did. Whether he wants to admit it or not. It’s a fact. He left them here…for me to raise. And, I accept that and I thank him for that. But, I do not believe I am obligated to let him in on the joys of that!!
If they need medical attention, I will let him know. When they pretend to talk on the phone, or put words together to make sentences, or help me by bringing their dishes from the table…well, those I’m keeping just for me!

The unseasonbly warm weather has sent me into premature spring cleaning mode. When spring rolls around I always feel an urge to purge through old clothes and books and magazines. To somehow start anew and fresh. With all the sunshine and warm temperatures, my mind has been dooped into thinking it’s time to clean things out.
I guess it could be worse, I could never get the urge to go through things and then they would just pile up and up. I do have tons of things to go through and get rid of and reorganize, so the sunshine has jump started the process. Hopefully, the winter won’t come along now and send my cleaning spirit back in to hibernation…I’ve started some big projects and need to get through them before I lose my steam.
I’m most looking forward to working in the yard, doing a little landscaping and gardening. But, first things first. That will be the carrot on the stick for me…if I finish the guest room, I can work in the yard.
Crazy, the games you have to play with your own mind to get things done…

It’s funny how people say, “it will work out,” in EVERY situation. When you’re in the middle of a horrible break up, the last thing you want to hear is how, “it will all work out,” but most likely, you’ll hear it more than once. It’s funny, but it’s the truth. Somehow, someway it does all work out. A year ago I was faced with losing the longest relationship of my entire life, romantic relationship that is, and I was devestated. Not sure what to do, where to turn, I remember the burning feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt like a 15 year old girl that had been dumped. It was horrible and I honestly did not believe the feeling would ever pass. I was sure I would be unhappy until the day I died.
And yet, here I am…as happy and content as I ever remember being. The boys and I have as close to a stressfree life as possible. Sure, money is tight…sure, I get concerned about our future, their future sometimes…but all in all, we are exactly, completely happy. They will never know the stress of the last year, the constant worry about how it would all work out. It has worked out, just as promised. Even though I know there will be bumps here and there, in our road, we will always have each other. The 3 Musketeers…they may never understand how much they mean to me. And honestly, I don’t know if I’ll ever try to explain to them how they were my rocks during the past year. That’s a lot to lay on the shoulders of two precious little ones, but it’s true. They have been my CONSTANT over the past year.

So, the next time someone tells you, “it will all work out,” keep in mind…most likely, it will.

Today was absolutely spectacular! I woke up without the throbbing headache that’s become the norm…sinus issues are evidently going to be part of my life here in west Texas. It’s okay, I’m learning what works and what doesn’t so it’s, “no hill for a stepper,” as my father would put it. It was refreshing to wake up without the dull headache, though. Just a little stuffy, nothing some medicine can’t cure.
Off to work, easy job. Time actually flew by! Before I realized it we were getting back in the van on our way home. We had a nice little lunch, some play time, and the boys went down for a nap. No muss, no fuss…everything just clicked! I made some phone calls, did some laundry, some dishes…what a day. The boys woke up happy…had a snack and we went in to the back yard to play.
Granted, the back yard is a mess just now…what with two big labs running around and no moisture to speak of for months now. The grass is a terrible mess, but we had a blast. The boys were swinging on the swing set their grandfather built them last year. Loving every minute of it. I tried to rake up some of the yuck while they ran and jumped and threw the ball for the dogs. We even got the trikes out their father bought them and they played on them. The trikes are a little big, but they enjoyed sitting on them even without being able to move them anywhere. We spent a good two hours just playing in the back yard. It’s almost the last week of January and we were outside without being so bundled up we couldn’t move. It was great!!
We went straight to the bathtub and got cleaned up and then had a nice little dinner. I love the way we are as a family. The boys are so easy…it makes me so grateful! I know I’m blessed to have such wonderful children! I know I have more than most…at least as far as love goes. It truly is the little things that make life worth living. Playing outside in the middle of January with two little boys is the most spectacular fun ever!!!